We’re really trying to help you. Recently, we made a very sincere but kind of half-assed effort to train a group of ambitious Bacon Salt dealers how to wean their customers off of their Bacon Salt snorting. Very unexpectedly, we found that Bacon Salt snorting actually tripled during this time period, as we ended up introducing these dealers to an entirely new set of customers with highly addictive personalities.
On a completely unrelated note, we did have our most profitable quarter ever during this time period and have subsequently increased our shareholder dividend by one cent per month. As a result of the failure of this initiative, we are once again legally obligated yet still very happy to announce our new and exciting educational initiative called Don’t Snort It.
Over the coming months, you will see a series of televised public service announcements to be aired on channels that are not commonly part of your cable television packages, primarily during reruns of Cop Rock and Mork & Mindy. These public service announcements will focus on identifying some of the early signs of Bacon Salt snorting such as making a bacon bra or wearing a bacon mustache.
We are dedicated to partnering with the community to defeat this horrible problem of your own creation for which we bear no legal responsibility. We also welcome your feedback. Please remit any and all correspondence directly to:
J&D’s Foods Inc.
Record Shredding Division
935 Bacon Snort Rd.
Des Moines, IA 12113